Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,
and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.
Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.
I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a
romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games
while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You
don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always
notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad
enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with
the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes
water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your
independence.
Translation: bail you out when you
fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch
"the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea
than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of
watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch
down if she touches your remote.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a
herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else
which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts
out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over
"...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available."
Then it cuts to a shot
of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms
around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.
6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the
double standard?
7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC."
I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first
thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me
to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is
if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period.
If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because
you're a bitch; in either
case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only
lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me
in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage
breasts. With my mouth.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing.
Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome.
Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.
11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually
hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at
their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for
everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to
"react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them
eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women
react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's
domestic abuse.
12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an
asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with
their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd
all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under
the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal
bleeding.
13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because
apparently
she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and
stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.
14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that
piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with
something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as
they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid
bullshit like fashion trends."
I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.
2,021,947 People have sent me chain mail and have subsequently received beatings.